Crespuscola e Morte Chapter 1

Angie, dear!

On an evening as dark as soot and as chilled as death, two men were walking down the road. They were haggard, with clothes that looked to have not been washed in days and frames that were as frail as beanpoles.

The legs that carried them were strong but fell like looming towers do to the alcohol that tainted their lips.

Many a path were trampled over before one of the travelers realized where they had wandered off to.

"Cliffton, I suppose we've lost our way," the tall, stocky one said, stopping in his tracks.

He stared at all round him, assessing the ashen star in the sky. It shed it's ivory light over a castle that sat before them. The perimeter was commanded by a large, stone fence that was dusted with decay and erosion. A winding, grassy path led up to the front of the residence and was met by a mass of trees and flowers. The windows were boarded up and not a light shone from inside.

"Well, out with it?"

It said: "I can not believe that this place belongs to you, when I live here."
"Who is there? Show yourself!"

"We are sorry Signora for intruding but we are mere English beggars who have went more than a fortnight without shelter or subsistence."

On an evening as dark as soot and as chilled as death, two men were walking down the road. They were haggard, with [Wearing would be better than with here] clothes that looked to have not been washed in days and frames that were as frail as beanpoles [Hmmm. Don't like this comparison. Try to find something else, like twigs, for example]. The legs that carried them were strong [This kind of contradicts what you said about the legs being thin as beanpoles...] but fell like looming towers [While I like this wording, I don't think of towers as something falling, I think of them rising] do [Wrong do. It should be due] to the alcohol that tainted their lips.

"With another pint, I fair we'll get along swimmingly with this town," one said [I have no idea what he just said...], patting his partner on the back.

"Aye."

They both laughed, their cackles [I think the sound would bet better than their cackles] echoing over the lush hills and ringing through every tree. Though their legs lacked sobriety [You've already mentioned their legs twice before. Either get rid of one of the description above or skip this. Though I do like the use of 'sobriety'...] they seemed to know where they were going to lead their governors on this night. Many a path were trampled over before one of the travelers [You should say other travelers, instead of one of the travelers, because the way it is put now makes me think you mean one of the men, not other people] realized where they had wandered off to.

"Cliffton, I suppose we've lost our way," the tall, stocky one said, stopping in his tracks [Okay, now this confuses me about the sentence above, about the mens' legs knowing where they were going. Need to clear all this up]. He stared at [No need for this 'at'] all round him, assessing the ashen star in the sky. It shed it's [No need for apostrophe] ivory light over a castle that sat before them [Now, this castle comes out of nowhere. I want to know what it looks like, how it appeared before them, what the atmosphere around it felt like, you know? Your story revolved hugely around this castle, and you make it seem like no big deal here. Describe, set up, and build on it]. The perimeter was commanded by a large, stone fence that was dusted with decay and erosion. A winding, grassy path led up to the front of the residence and was met by a mass of trees and flowers. The windows were boarded up and not a [Use one instead of a. It reads better] light shone from inside.

"Indeed, we have lost our way, Henry," Cliffton replied. Henry could see the greed burning in his friend's eyes and knew the meaning of his sudden hunger.

He was going to rob the castle. [Clarify who is going to rob it. I mean, we know, but it will read better if you use the man's actual name here]

"Cliffton, they may have weaponry and all sorts of traps. A place like this looks as though it belongs to someone of importance."

"No, my friend, this place has not been let for years. I can feel it in my bones that something in there is waiting for us to steal it." [This didn't make sense to me, either. If Clifton can tell that no one lives at the castle, why can't Henry? And also, if it is abandoned, why WOULD there be something of worth in it? And doesn't the place look run-down, as the woman says later? Why, then, would Henry assume someone lives there and Clifton that there's something in there that will benefit them to take? Just doesn't add up.]

Henry took one more look at the castle. He agreed with his friend that it looked to have been abandoned for quite sometime [Then why did he say what he did about someone living there?]. The shutters were rusted shut and the skin of the place mirrored the fence. There were huge, gaping holes in parts of the building and vines engulfed the sides, covering most of the walls with moss. Curved peaks and towers sat on top, their shadows casting frightening images on the ground. A shudder traveled through Henry's body but it soon disappeared when he felt Cliffton's impatient stare. [Ah. HERE'S the description I wanted. But I want it earlier, Angie. Right when they see the castle. Because as the readers, we'll be seeing what the characters will be seeing. And they'll pick out these details right away, as all humans do when they look ats omething for the first time. By the way, is it sunset? Afternoon? Give us an idea of the lighting and position of the sun.]

"Well, out with it?" Pushing aside his fears, Henry nodded and then the two ventured closer to the castle.

* [Really no need for the break here]

"How d'you suppose we get in now? Everything is all boarded up. I told you this was a bad idea."

"Stop your whining. Come, help me with this here."

Cliffton was trying hard to rip off a board on one window. A tree branch was hanging over them, veiling them in its shadow so it would be impossible for anyone to see what they were up to. Henry took the other side of the wooden board and started to pull. Sweat was forming [Don't like 'forming' Try 'dripping down'] on his forehead when they got a corner of the board off of the window.

"Try a little bit harder." [Who said this?] Cliffton grunted, and then with enough [More would be better than enough] force, the window was free. The two smiled at each other and [Comma here] picking up a rock, Cliffton smashed it against the glass. Once inside, they slowly crept through the darkness. Where the moon looked in [Odd wording, about the moon. But thanks for the imagery. We could just use it earlier in the story to give us mental images] they could see old, raggedy drapes and dust covered [Covering would be better] gold trinkets. A fireplace sat in the center of a wall on the far right and many paintings with bronze frames were scattered around.

"This is a beggar's paradise."

"We should take what we need and get out of here." [Wouldn't they wonder why all these treasures were just left?]

There was silence [How long was the silence? Was in uncomfortable? What?] and then Cliffton let out a hardy laugh. It was low and raspy, almost like a crow's caw. He looked at Henry, his eyes gleaming. The splendor of it all made him mad. Ripping a curtain off the hinges, he knotted it into a sack and started throwing things inside.

"But if the master were to come..." Henry started.[Why would he worry about this now? They already clarified that there was no one living there, and he pulled the boards off the window without any doubts]

"The master? There is not a proprietor of this residence. Can not you see this place? Open your eyes and look at this utopia. It was left here for us to clean it dry of all its fruits. This place is ours." Cliffton continued to rummage through the furniture and take things that interested him. Then [I don't like this 'then'. ANd to add more impact to the moment, you should start a new paragraph here], a voice so loud and shrill came from somewhere in the darkness, startling them both. It said: [Get rid of the tag before this. Doesn't read well] "I can not believe that this place belongs to you, when I live here." [What she said doesn't make sense to me, because moments later she really doesn't care whether they take anything and go. In fact, I don't think she should say anything at all. It would be much more suspenseful and impacting if, while looting, CLifton looked up and saw her standing silently in a corner, just watching them. But I guess that's my opinion ]

"Who is there? Show yourself!" [Are they panicking? Running for the window? Who says this?]

"I indeed shall show myself." They watched as a tall woman who looked to have not seen her twenties emerged from the shadows. She had a slender face with large brown eyes and long, copper hair that fell around her in ringlets. Henry's heart started pounding. The girl looked to have belonged to an important family, by the way her dress was fashioned from beautiful, vibrant silks and cottons. Jewels hung from her neck and pierced her ears. They glittered in the moonlight, making her look angelic.

"We are sorry [Comma] Signora [Comma] for intruding [Perhaps another comma here, as well. But then the sentence would look choppy, so I don't know...] but we are mere English beggars who have went [Gone, not went] more than a fortnight without shelter or subsistence."

"There is no need for an explanation on my account signor [Comma before Signor and need to punctuate it correctly]. Please, take what you want, I shall not need it after I am dead and gone."

"Very well then. Let us finish, Henry." [Does he scramble to gather more of the treasure again? Is his expression tense or greedy? Details, Angie]

"No, I think we should assist the lady whose parsonage we are robbing."

[Does Clifton pause to consider this?] "Excellent strategy, my friend. If we leave her alive she'll surely cause some trouble. Quick, find me something to..."

"I did not mean kill her, you fool. Look at her, she's crying or if not tears are falling down her cheeks now, then they are on the precipice of her eyes." [Don't really like how complicated you've made this sentence. Just use something simple and understandable, like: "I did not mean to kill her, you fool. Look at her - she's crying."]

"Well you, as you said, assist her and I'll finish my job."

Nodding, Henry slowly advanced towards the girl, hoping not to frighten her. She only looked at him and didn't stir. Instead of a scream, a sigh broke free from her wet lips and then she started to walk around the room. He followed, admiring her from a distance. His early portrait of her wasn't an accurate one, for it was flawed and dull. She was more than just a girl who looked to have belonged to an important family but her face was filled a distress that he recognized. It was one of longing and fear. He had seen it in himself when he was governed by hunger and when the polizia [If this is Italian, then it should probably be in Italics] would chase or beat him. The light caught her fingers, they were clenched around a rosary [Bad sentence structure here. Rework], and her pale skin was tainted with a strange shade of crimson. Blood? Had this woman killed someone? [He shouldn't assume she killed someone. That's too melodramatic for a man. The blood could be from a cut, or from working her fingers to the bone. You know?] Henry's mind raged [What was he considering doing?], but then he didn't want her to get overwhelmed and scream, so he continued to follow her around the room. She stopped and then the beads fell from her hands and crumbled to the floor. [Need to break up this paragraph]

"Signora?"

Mimicking the beads, the girl fell to her knees and buried her face in her legs [How about hands, instead of legs? That would be awkward, bending all the way over to put our face to your legs]. She was sobbing now, her body was shaking and Henry could see a blood trail falling down her arm. Approaching her, he wondered what he should do.

"Signora, what is wrong?"

"I am fine. [Should be comma, not period]" she started, sniffling. Henry could hear the lie in her voice.

"Please, if it will lift your burdens, tell me what it is that is troubling you."

The sobs and the shaking stopped, and then the girl wiped her face on her sleeve and looked up at Henry. He held his hand out to her and she took it and led him to a corner of the room with two chairs [Too many ands in here. Also, you're doing a lot of telling instead of showing. Try to change that ]. She ordered him to light a fire and he obeyed and then the two sat down [Again, icky sentence structure. Vary it up].

"I don't want to bore you, are you sure?" [She doesn't seem like the kind of person who would worry about boredom. It would be realistic if she didn't want to burden him, however]

"Yes, please, go on."

[Does she take a deep breath? Pause? Stare into the fire? Need details like this, to set up the story she is about to tell] "Before, this castello was bright and lively and beautiful. It was not this ruin that you see now."

"You are very fortunate to have lived in a place such as this."

"No, I am not."

Henry did not hear the girl's low remark. Instead his mind ventured off into another place. He imagined that music was playing, singing a melodic melody to the walls giving it a golden pallor. He envisioned servants, who came whenever you called them and the air would be filled with freedom.

"I would never leave this place. [Comma, not period]" he thought, [No need for comma here] aloud.

[I want to know what her face expression is, what her tone sounds like. And what is Clifton doing? IS he making noise at all?]"I couldn't wait to escape from it."

Huh. My first review, the bolds got messed up. Oops. Newbie mistake, I suppose.

But I love the changes you made, especially with the ending! It's great. Hope I wasn't too harsh!

~Evi

You critiqued my story; I am here to return the favor.

Ah, the nitpicks.

Angel of Death wrote:
On an evening as dark as soot and as chilled as death, two men were walking down the road. They were a haggard lot, with clothes that looked to have not been washed in days and frames that were as frail as beanpoles. The legs that carried them were strong but fell like looming towers do to the alcohol that tainted their lips.

You say they were a haggard 'lot', but do two people equal a lot? How about, 'They were haggard, with clothes...

"With another pint, I fair we'll get along swimmingly with this town." one said, patting his partner on the back.

Comma after town.

"Aye."

They both laughed, their cackles echoing over the lush hills and ringing through every tree. Though their legs lacked sobriety, they seemed to know where they were going to lead their governors on this night. Many a path were trampled over before one of the travelers realized where they had wandered off to.

"Cliffton, I suppose we've lost our way.comma, not period" the tall, stocky one said, stopping in his tracks. He stared at all round him, assessing the ashen star in the sky. It shed it's ivory light over a castle that sat before them. If it's ashen, is it going to shed light? The perimeter was commanded (nice word choice) by a large, no comma stone fence that was dusted with decay and erosion. A winding, grassy path led up to the front of the residence and was met by a mass of trees and flowers. The windows were boarded up and not a light shone from inside.

This is beautiful description.

"Indeed, we have lost our way, Henry.(I see a repeated problem. You need to put commmas here whenever you have dialogue that's labeled with 'said' or 'replied'. I'm going to stop pointing them out after this one.)" Cliffton replied. Henry could see the greed burning in his friend's eyes and knew the [s]meaning[/s] signs?of his sudden hunger.

He was going to rob the castle. It would give this fact more oomph if you made it its own paragraph, methinks, as I did here. Tinker with it.

"Cliffton, they may have weaponry and all sorts of traps. A place like this looks as though it belongs to someone of importance."

"No, my friend, this place has not been let for years. I can feel it in my bones that something in there is waiting for us to covet it." Covet? More like own, or steal. Covet means 'want'. The object, according to Clifftion, would be waiting for them to take it.

Henry took one more look at the castle. He agreed with his friend that it looked to have been abandoned for quite sometime. The shutters were rusted shut and the skin of the place mirrored the fence. There were huge, gaping holes in parts of the building and vines engulfed the sides, covering most of the walls with moss. Curved peaks and towers sat on top, their shadows casting frightening images on the ground. A shudder traveled through Henry's body but it soon disappeared when he felt Cliffton's impatient stare.

"Well, out with it?" Pushing aside his fears, Henry nodded and then the two ventured closer to the castle.

***

"How d'you suppose we get in now? Everything is all boarded up. I told you this was a bad idea."

"Stop your whining. Come, help me with this here." Awesome.

Cliffton was trying hard to rip off a board on one window. A tree branch was hanging over them, veiling them in its shadow so it would be impossible for anyone to see what they were up to. Henry took the other side of the wooden board and started to pull. Sweat was forming on his forehead when they got a corner of the board off of the window. I can so see this.

"Try a little bit harder." Cliffton grunted, and then with enough forcecomma here the window was free. The two smiled at each other and picking up a rock, Cliffton smashed it against the glass. Once inside, they slowly crept through the darkness. Where the moon looked in they could see old, raggedy drapes and dust covered gold trinkets. A fireplace sat in the center of the room and many paintings with bronze frames were scattered around. Fireplaces usually aren't put in the center of a room like couches or tables. You mean in the center of a wall, I believe?

"This is a beggar's paradise."

"We should take what we need and get out of here."

There was silence and then Cliffton let out a hardy laugh. It was low and raspy, almost like a crow's caw. He looked at Henry, his eyes gleaming. The splendor of it all made him mad. Ripping a curtain off the hinges, he knotted it into a sack and started throwing things inside.

"But what if the master were to come..." Henry started. If you going to trail off, take out the 'what'. If you axe the ellipses (I think that's what they're called) then it's fine.

"The master? There is not a proprietor of this residence. Can not you see this place? Open your eyes and look at this utopia. It was left here for us to clean it dry of all its fruits. This place is ours." Cliffton continued to rummage through the furniture and take things that interested him. Then, a voice so loud and shrill came from somewhere in the darkness, startling them both. It said: "I can not believe that this place belongs to you, when I live here."

"Who is there? Show yourself." [/b]I believe an exclamation point is in order?

"I indeed shall show myself." They watched as a tall, no commawoman who looked to have not seen her twenties emerged from the shadows. She had a slender face with large brown eyes and long, copper hair that fell around her in ringlets. Henry's heart started pounding. The girl looked to have belonged to an important family, by the way her dress was fashioned from beautiful, vibrant silks and cottons. Jewels hung from her neck and pierced her ears. They glittered in the moonlight, making her look angelic.

"We are sorry Signora for intruding but we are mere English beggars who have went more than a fortnight without shelter or subsistence." Is Signora an Italian term?

"There is no need for an explanation on my account signor. Please, take what you want, I shall not need it after I am dead and gone."

"Very well then. Let us finish, Henry." This, I cannot see. Nobody would say this.

"No, I think we should assist the lady whose parsonage we are robbing."

"Excellent strategy, my friend. If we leave her alive she'll surely cause some trouble. Quick, find me something to..." [b]He wouldn't say this with the woman in the room, now would he?

"I did not mean kill her, you fool. Look at her, she's crying or if not tears are falling down her cheeks now, then they are on the precipice of her eyes."

"Well you, as you said, assist her and I'll finish my job."

Nodding, Henry slowly advanced towards the girl, hoping not to frighten her. She only looked at him and didn't stir. Instead of a scream, a sigh broke free from her wet lips and then she started to walk around the room. He followed, admiring her from a distance. His early portrait of her wasn't an accurate one, for it was flawed and dull. She was more than just a girl who looked to have belonged to an important family but her face was filled a distress that he recognized. It was one of longing and fear. He had seen it in himself when he was governed by hunger and when the polizia would chase or beat him. The light caught her fingers, they were clenched around a rosary, and her pale skin was tainted with a strange shade of crimson. Blood? Had this woman killed someone? Henry's mind raged, but then he didn't want her to get overwhelmed and scream, so he continued to follow her around the room. She stopped and then the beads fell from her hands and crumbled to the floor.

"Signora?"

Mimicking the beads, the girl fell to her knees and buried her face in her legs. She was sobbing now, her body was shaking and Henry could see a blood trail falling down her arm. Approaching her, he wondered what he should do.

"Signora, what is wrong?"

"My whole life..." she started, sniffling. [/b]That's rather melodramatic, dear.[b]

"Please, if it will lift your burdens, tell me what it is that is troubling you."

The sobs and the shaking stopped, and then the girl wiped her face on her sleeve and looked up at Henry. He held his hand out to her and she took it and led him to a corner of the room with two chairs. She ordered him to light a fire and he obeyed and then the two sat down.

"I don't want to bore you, are you sure?"

"Yes, please, go on."

"I grew up here..." If you're going to do the whole 'to be continued' thing, end it on a more intriging (Sp?) than that she grew up there.

*Angel of Death~

Here are my thoughts and comments while reading...

*Just a little side note~
Oh, man. A writer's break down? That must be terrible, Angel. When I get new ideas, (and I don't write them down) they never seem leave me until I finally write them down. Oh, Italy, huh? I told my mom that (she loves anything Italy) and she smiled. And nineteenth century? Cool. Sweet. Amazing! What era in the 19th century, by the way? Regency, Victorian, etc...? Oh, don't you like searching about different eras? I do, it's lots of fun! And the title, Angel? Superb!! Well, I got to start reviewing. I talk too much...

*Grammarly Correct ~
When reading I didn't really find any grammar thing I could of nit-picked about. I'm sure somebody will find them.

*It's just in a name~
As I was reading, I noticed that the names Cliffton & Henry weren't Italian. They're English. But, as I read further, I also noticed that they said they were English. But, I would try to make it clearer in the beginning that they're English.

*A little about the place~
Wow. You again amazingly surprise me with your beautifully worded descriptions. I can't get enough of them. I can actually see the place with the way you described the scenery. Good job!

*Who is that?~
Yeah, who is the chick? I mean Lady. She has all the glamorous attire in a rusty old place and she's all by herself. And what's with the blood?

*Overall ~
I did like it. But, as any historical story, the name Henry is over used. You might love the name and I do too. Just think about it.
Well, I actually do like to know more of this creation of yours. You know what to do when you post more. Great job!

*Merry